


Burn Out

by RayssaRiddle



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Alpha Bucky Barnes, Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Alpha/Omega, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Avengers Family, Body Dysphoria, Body Modification, Break Up, Breaking Up & Making Up, Bucky Barnes Is Trying, Hurt Steve Rogers, Insecure Steve Rogers, Insecurity, Lack of Communication, M/M, Misunderstandings, Oblivious Avengers, Oblivious Bucky Barnes, Omega Steve Rogers, Sam Wilson is a Gift, Sam Wilson is the voice of reason, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Steve Rogers Feels, Steve Rogers Has Issues, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug, Steve Rogers has Self-Esteem Issues, Team as Family, it's more like a biological thing, kind of, kind of too
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-01
Updated: 2020-08-08
Packaged: 2021-03-06 07:41:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,042
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25639675
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RayssaRiddle/pseuds/RayssaRiddle
Summary: Steve hated his body. That body that everyone wanted was the reason he lost the last person he could call a family, the person he has loved the most.
Relationships: Clint Barton/ Natasha Romanov (mentioned), James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Comments: 16
Kudos: 153





	1. Chapter 1

“Alpha?”, Steve’s eyes widened when Bucky gave one step backwards, avoiding his hug.

“Please, don’t call me like that anymore”, Bucky asked with a tired look.

Steve felt like his heart has shattered and he felt the tears making his vision blur, but he held them back. Bucky… Bucky didn’t want him anymore?

“I… I don’t understand”, he did his best to keep his voice firm.

Bucky took a deep breath, running his fingers through his own hair. Steve was feeling like he was dying; he knew Bucky was going to break up with him right there.

“I know you still being you, but… your scent is different, my mind just can’t see you as my omega anymore. I’m sorry”, Bucky bit his bottom lip, “I still loving you, I swear I do. I just need some time for my mind to… I don’t know, put your new scent and who you are back together.”

 _“He's lying, he doesn’t love you anymore. He doesn’t love you anymore because you’re big now”_ , Steve’s mind whispered to him, _“You’re ugly now, you don’t look like an omega, that’s why he doesn’t want you anymore.”_

Steve felt like his whole world was breaking. Bucky was the last person he has left, he couldn’t lose him too, he couldn’t.

“You still my best friend, right?” He could feel his body shaking with the effort of holding the tears back and the fear of what the other was going to answer.

What if Bucky said “no”? What if he wanted to cut any ties with him? It couldn’t be, it couldn’t. Steve didn’t want to be alone, he just had Bucky, he loved Bucky. If he couldn’t have him by his side as a lover, he hoped he could at least still having him as a friend.

“Of course, punk!”, Bucky smiled, pulling him into a hug. “I promised I’d be with you 'till the end of the line, didn’t I? I took an oath and I’ll stick it out 'till the end.”

 _“That’s all because you got that serum. Now you’re muscular, you’re big, you’re strong. You look like a fucking alpha, not like an omega”_ , his mind kept whispering, _“Alphas don’t want an omega that can break them in half using a single finger. You’re broken, you’re a bad omega. Ugly, undesirable, disgusting. You should be ashamed.”_

When Bucky let go of him, Steve gave him a bright smile. The smile didn’t reach his eyes.

**2016**

One year after Bucky went to the Avenger’s Tower and his memories started coming back, he remembered that he and Steve used to be together as a couple. He already remembered that he and Steve were best friends, so he was really confused about why Steve never told him anything and why it wasn’t on the history books. If Captain America had a mate it would surely be on all the books about him, right?.

He was going to question the other about it when he remembered why no one knew about them: He broke up with Steve – well, he didn’t break up. He asked for time, but he fell from the train before asking Steve to get back together, so it technically was a break up.

 _“Why the hell I did that?”_ , Bucky questioned himself.

He hasn’t felt Steve's scent since he arrived on the tower (the omega, for some reason, was always using suppressors), but he still remembered clearly the smell Steve had that day: lavender, new books and rain, just like he used to smell before. The only difference was the new soft woody fragrance mixed with it, which just made him smell even better, made him smell just like how Bucky thought summer would smells like. Why his mind didn’t recognize Steve as his omega at the time? Why did he broke up with Steve?

Bucky didn’t know if Steve was still interested on him like this or if he lost all the chances of having a romantic relationship with him again, so he decided to try observing Steve to figure out if the other has stopped loving him like that.

That was when he started noticing all the red flags that he should have noticed way before. The first thing he noticed was that Steve has stopped drawing himself.

Bucky was trying to find out if Steve was still drawing him. The blond one used to let his notebooks upon the couches and desks without making a big deal about it. He didn’t mind the team looking at his art and he clearly liked when one of them found one drawing of themselves they liked a lot and asked if they could stay with that one, as if it made him proud of his work.

He found some drawings of him scattered across all the notebooks he saw. The traces were so delicate and gentle on the paper and as full of love as Bucky remembered, showing that Steve maybe still loving him. He also noticed that there wasn’t any self-portraits of Steve. It was strange, since Steve loved drawing himself.

“Found something you like again?”, Bucky asked when he saw Natasha looking at one paper that had a drawing clearly made by Steve.

He could see it was a drawing of Natasha and Peter sit on the couch. Bucky recognized the scene and remembered the day it was made. It was one of the days Natasha was teaching Russian to the kid. Steve was quietly sit on the opposite sofa, drawing them.

“Yes. I love Steve’s drawings.”, Natasha said running a finger gently through the paper, “He always manages to get the emotions we were feeling, his own emotions and put them on a paper.”

“I know, right? They are always amazing”, Bucky smiled, “I wanna see his self-portraits. I never saw any after he got the serum and I’m really curious to see how he portrays himself now. The punk is a narcissistic little shit that loves drawing himself.”

Natasha looked at him in confusion, making Bucky wonder what was confusing about what he said.

“What do you mean? Steve hates drawing himself.” Natasha pointed, “He told it to me when I asked him why he never draws himself neither on self-portraits nor on drawings of the team.”

Bucky frowned.

“What? He loves doing that. I remember that he used to have some notebooks filled just with self-portraits.”

“Well, maybe something changed after the serum.” The female alpha shrugged.

That was something Bucky couldn’t take off his mind. It wasn’t just something Natasha assumed; she said that Steve himself told her that he hates drawing himself. Yes, it was something little and that people would consider stupid, but Bucky knew it wasn’t, since Steve used to love doing self-portraits to help seeing the beauty on himself when everyone around him told him that he was too much skinny or too much sick. Something was out of place, he could feel it.

The second thing he noticed was that no one knew Steve was an omega and he never corrected them even when it clearly hurt him.

It happened during one of the Stark Industry’s raising parties. Some journalists were allowed to enter the party so they could interview the Avengers and other guests. Bucky and Steve were sitting at one of the tables while talking when one of them asked if they could talk with them.

“So, Captain Rogers, what do you think about to which charity the money the Avengers are raising tonight will be donated for?”, the woman asked.

“I’m really happy about Pepper’s choice of donating the money for a foundation that takes care of homeless omegas.”, Steve smiled, “Being an omega isn’t easy and being a homeless one must be way more harder. They need as much help as we can give them.”

The woman smiled back to him, looking pleased with his answer. By her smell, Bucky could say she was an omega.

“It’s really pleasing to see not just an alpha, but the alpha that embodies human’s peak perfection, standing for us omegas”, she thanked him.

Bucky blinked in confusion. Alpha? Didn’t people know Steve was an omega? He could see that Steve got tense and his smile got forced. The woman didn’t seem to notice that abrupt change.

“I’m not doing nothing more than being a decent person. No one is better than no one, and omegas should have all the support they need.”

As soon as they woman got away, Bucky looked at Steve, his eyes clearly asking for an explanation.

“Do they think you’re an alpha?”, Bucky whispered so no one around them could hear.

“The army told people I was an alpha after I died”, Steve shrugged, “I look like an alpha, so no one ever suspected it isn’t true, and I never corrected them. S.H.I.E.L.D. wanted to hide it too, so here am I.”

“Why you didn’t?”, Bucky asked, confused.

“As I said, I look like an alpha, I don’t look like an omega, I never will. Why would I bother?”

Steve tried to look like he didn’t care about it, but Bucky could see he looked miserable under that unbothered mask.

“Steve…”, Bucky tried to talk, but Steve was already getting up from his chair.

“I’m feeling tired, ok? I’m going back to my floor”, Steve said.

After Bucky could say anything, ask him if he wanted company, the omega was already gone.

The third thing Bucky noticed was that Steve never stopped taking suppressors, not even twice a year as he as supposed to do so he could have his heats.

Bucky has already asked Steve why he used suppressors and the omega just said that the serum got his heats irregular and he had to take the suppressors to control them until they got normal again. The alpha never thought Steve would lie to him, so of course he believed his answer.

He couldn’t be more wrong.

Clint was on a heat and Natasha was with him on their floor for the next four days. That was the moment when Bucky noticed that even though Steve told him that the reason he was using suppressors was just so his heats could be regular again, the omega hasn’t had any heat since Bucky arrived on the tower. Steve lied to him.

“Why are you so contemplative, friend James?”, Thor asked when he saw Bucky sit on the couch, staring the wall while his face was stuck on a pensive look.

His voice took Bucky out of his thoughts.

“Just wondering about some things”, Bucky answered.

Thor hummed in understanding, sitting on the couch in front of the other Alpha.

“Maybe I can have an answer to one of your wonderings.” Thor said, offering help.

Bucky looked at him for a moment, concluding that yes, Thor would surely have the answer to his question.

“To be honest, I think you may have the answer, indeed. Has Steve ever stopped taking his suppressors since he was defrost?”

Thor looked a little confused about the question, but he answered it anyway.

“No”, the god answered, “Steve never stopped taking them. Bruce has already warned him that it’s dangerous to take them continuously without pauses to have his ruts, but he just said that the serum can take it.”

Bucky frowned. As he suspected, Steve was lying to him. Something was really wrong there. Also, there was it again: people thinking Steve was an alpha. Even his team believed it.

“That’s strange”, Bucky said, “Do you know why?”

“Yes. I was there when he was talking with Bruce. He said that he hates his scent and don’t want to feel it at all.”

“Thank you, Thor”, Bucky thanked him, masking the confusion on his voice.

Something was indeed out the place and Bucky had to find out what was it. Saying he hates drawing himself, saying he hates his own scent and letting people think he was an alpha even when it clearly made him miserable… it… it was almost as if Steve hated himself.

The forth thing Bucky noticed since the beginning. Initially, he didn’t think it was a big deal, but when he started suspecting that Steve hated himself, he got worried about it.

When he was brought to the tower, he stayed on Steve’s floor, getting one of the spare rooms there. He noticed that there wasn’t any mirrored surface and none mirror but the one on his bathroom and the other on his closet. Even the full-wall window had an anti-reflective film and Steve’s closet didn’t have a mirror like Bucky’s. He didn’t make such a big deal of it. Maybe Stark designed it that way and Steve liked.

However, after all the strange things Steve was doing came to his attention he started getting worried about it. Maybe it was just his paranoia and his will to protect Steve talking, but he couldn’t take it off his mind that maybe the reason of it all was that Steve didn’t want to see his own image. This thought just started making more and more sense the more he thought about it.

Steve had to go on a mission and that was the day Bucky was going to do something about his paranoia. He had to see if Steve indeed didn’t has any mirror on places he could see. Everyone have a mirror inside their bathroom, so Steve must have one too.

Bucky never thought that the day would come when his stomach would turn because of the lack of a mirror somewhere, but when he opened Steve’s bathroom’s door and there wasn’t a mirror anywhere to be seen on the room, he felt sick. Searching on the cabinet under the sink he found a little pocket mirror, which Steve surely used when he needed to shave himself.

The red flags on Bucky’s mind were flickering as fast as they never had before.

Bucky understood what was happening one day when he was talking with Sam. The omega had come back from one of the VA’s meetings looking tired, which wasn’t common. Sam was already used to deal with the veterans, so seeing him looking so tired was something that wasn’t usual.

“Are you alright?”, Bucky asked while pouring a glass of water to the other.

“Thanks”, Sam said before drinking the water.

Sam stayed silent for some seconds before answering Bucky’s question.

“I’m alright, but… it’s just that it gets me so sick seeing what some alphas do to their omegas”, Sam sighed, “See, a lot of omegas enter the army and, just like the alphas and betas, they come back traumatized. The problem is… some of them aren’t bonded and their alphas just dump them when they come back home.”

Bucky’s eyes widened and he felt the anger burning inside him. What kind of alpha dump their omega just because they don’t want to help them while they heal? He was sure that they were the same kind of alpha that wanted their omega to do everything to them like a fucking slave.

“Yes, I know. It’s disgusting”, Sam said as if he could read Bucky's mind and hear what he was thinking, “It gets my work of helping them to heal harder because they think it was their fault and it just adds to all the other traumas and… well, I think you understood.”

“At least they weren’t bonded with those idiots”, Bucky grunted.

Sam glanced at Bucky, looking at his face as if he was analysing something.

“Oh, I forgot that, back when you were growing, talk about omega’s biology was kind of a taboo”, Sam talked in a moment of realization.

“What do you mean?”, Bucky asked confused.

“The bond works a little different for the omegas than for the alphas”, Sam explained, “For the alpha feel the bond, the physical bond has to be made, but the omega can feel it without the physical bond. We omegas are more sensitive, we can feel the bond forming after staying time enough with our partner.”

“What?”, Bucky looked surprised at him.

“If they break up, the omega feels like the bond is being broken even if there isn’t a physical bond at all”, Sam continued, “When it happens, the omega’s mind understand as if it was their fault, as if they weren’t good enough. If they have been together for a long time, the omega can even start hating themselves because of it, hating their own appearance and their own scent, especially if it had something to do with the break up. For example, the alpha of the omega I counselled today broke up with him saying that his scent had become a little bitter after he came back from his three tours at the army. The omega can’t even stand feeling his own scent anymore without panicking, so he is always using suppressors since then.”

After hearing that, Bucky’s mind clicked and Steve’s strange behaviour started making sense. He felt the blood running out of his face, making he feel like he was going to faint. Steve and him knew each other since they were seven, they were together as a couple since they were sixteen. They never made the physical bond, since Steve’s body was too weak, but they were together for a really long time. The bond must have felt almost like a complete bond to the omega.

“Hey, man, what's happening? Are you okay?”, Sam jumped off his chair when he saw that Bucky got pale, reaching him and helping him to sit down.

He did that to Steve, he was the reason Steve hated his appearance, the reason Steve couldn’t even stand looking at his own body and feeling his own scent.

“Oh, God, what have I done?”, Bucky grumbled.

“Can you elaborate, please?”, Sam asked, trying to understand what was happening and find out how to help.

“What's Steve’s designation, Sam?”

“He’s an alpha, everyone knows it.[”, Sam answered, confused about why Bucky was making that question.

Bucky shook his head in denial.

“He’s an omega, Sam. He has always been. The army told everyone he was an alpha and he never corrected them after he was defrost. He told me that he looks like an alpha and will never look like an omega, so he doesn’t have a reason to lose time correcting them”, Bucky said, “He has been using suppressors since he woke up on this century and, when Bruce questioned him, he told that he does that because he hates his own scent; He doesn’t do self-portraits anymore and told Natasha that he hates drawing himself even tho he used to love it, and there isn’t any mirror or mirrored surface on his floor, as if he doesn’t want to see himself.”

For one moment, Sam looked like he was going to question something, but then his eyes widened in realization.

“Oh my God, it happened to him”, Sam was surely going to ask Bucky if he knew who was the person that dumped Steve, but he remembered what Bucky said before, “It was you."

Bucky nodded, feeling shame run through his body.

“I didn’t know something like that would happen.” He ran his fingers through his own hair, feeling totally sick.

“Hey, man, calm down. I know you, and I know you would never hurt Steve intentionally”, Sam tried to calm him down, “ but I need to understand what happened.”

And Bucky explained everything to him: about the almost imperceptible changing on Steve’s scent, about his mind doesn’t recognizing him as his omega and him asking a break on their relationship but don’t getting back together before he fell off the train.

“Maybe the new soft woody fragrance reminded you about one of the Hydra agent that kept you captive in Azzano and it was the way your mind found to give you time to put together Steve and the new scent”, Sam offered a logic explanation.

“Maybe. But I still hurt him”, Bucky lamented.

“Hey, don’t do it, don’t blame yourself”, Sam reprimanded him, “Do you still loving him?”

“Of course I do!”, Bucky answered as if Sam had offended him.

Sam gave a satisfied nod.

“So stop blaming yourself and go find a way to show him that the reason you broke up with him wasn’t neither because he wasn’t good enough nor because he was a bad omega”, He replied, “And if you want to be in a relationship with him again, start doing something about it and show him that you still loving him.”

Bucky thought, trying to find out how to show Steve that he stills loving him, that he was the best person and the best omega Bucky has ever met and that he wanted to get back together.

He had a lot of work to do.


	2. Chapter 2

Since Bucky got back, Steve tried to act as normal as he could. The other never showed any signal of remembering their relationship – even if he did, there wasn’t any warranty that he would like to be his partner again. Why would he? Bucky was handsome, gentle, respectful, the perfect alpha; he could have anyone he wanted. Why would he want a broken omega like Steve? -, so the omega never mentioned it, just acting like they were just friends.

 _“He broke up with you. You **are** just friends since that day”_, his mind reminded him, as always.

It hurt like hell, made his heart fell like it has been toss on fire, but he just put a smile on his face and acted like everything was fine. It was for the best. Bucky thankfully hasn’t noticed anything wrong – if he did, he just ignored, but Steve rather think he never noticed. The idea of Bucky don’t even caring enough about him as a friend to ignore the knowledge that something wasn’t right made him feel like he was going to throw up.

Steve couldn’t stand feeling his own smell, always throwing up when he felt it every time he tried to get out the suppressors and hearing Bucky’s voice repeating “your scent is different, my mind just can’t see you as my omega anymore”, so he was always using them – Bucky believed when Steve told him that the reason was that the serum let his heats irregular and he was using the suppressors so his body could regulate them again -; He couldn’t look at his own image neither in photos nor in drawings without feeling on the verge of a panic attack. Even the self-portraits that he used to make to remind himself about his own beauty now only reminded him that he was too big, ugly and undesirable, so he stopped drawing himself, asked Tony to put anti-reflective film on the windows and took off the mirrors from both his closet and his bedroom, just staying with a little pocket mirror so he could shave – Bucky never noticed that his room was the only one on the floor with any mirror.

So, yes, Bucky never noticed and Steve kept the appearance

He didn’t has any hope to have a romantic relationship with Bucky again, so he was happy (as happy as could be, at least) with just being the supportive and amazing best friend again – or at least he thought so -. All the hope he thought he has lost started coming back one day when Bucky started complimenting him even for the most dumb and small things.

One day, when they were cooking together, Bucky was making mashed potatoes while Steve was finishing the beef stew when the omega muttered something about the stew don’t having enough salt.

“Let me taste it”, Bucky asked, cleaning his hands on a dishcloth and approaching.

Steve held him the spoon filled with broth, blushing when Bucky just put it on his mouth and drank the broth. He thought he was going to grab the spoon.

“It’s perfect, Steve”, Bucky smiled, “You’re an excellent cooker.”

Steve’s eyes widened for a moment and his blush got even more noticeable.

“I… thank you”, he answered and quickly got back to finish the beef stew, hoping that Bucky didn’t notice his blush.

As much as Steve denied, he loved receiving compliments. Before the serum he never got so many of them and after Bucky broke up with him… well, receiving compliments, even if for such a stupid thing as a stew, was a reminder that he wasn’t a failure on everything.

He thought that it was an one time thing, but Bucky kept complimenting him, saying how good he was. “Wow, Steve! That drawing is just perfect. Can I keep it? You’re really the best artist I’ve ever seen”, “That’s a great advice, Steve. You’re totally amazing at helping people”. “You were awesome on the mission, Stevie, I’m so proud of you. You’re the best fighter out there. People are so lucky they have you willing to protecting them”.

Before the serum Bucky used to do that even when they were just friends, complimenting Steve about anything to cheer him up, especially after someone said something that let the omega upset and angry, so Steve tried to shut up that little hope that was making effort to reach his mind. Bucky was just being a good friend, that was all.

After some weeks, the compliments about his appearance started – “That shirt looks so good on you”, “I’ve forgot how much blue your eyes are. They’re so beautiful”, “Wow, I didn’t remember your hair shine this much gold on the sun. Makes you look like an angel” - and it made a huge war start inside Steve’s mind: one side was hoping it was a signal that Bucky wanted him again, the other side reminding that Bucky used to compliment his appearance when they were just friends too and a little dark voice on the corner of his mind insisting that the alpha was just being sarcastic and mocking him. He tried to remind himself that Bucky would never mock him like that, but it was so hard some days.

The hope that Bucky was trying to make up with him tried to crawl toward him, but Steve kept it away as hard as he could. It didn’t make sense. Why would Bucky be complimenting his appearance when the serum was the reason he broke up with him?

“Hey, Stevie!”, Bucky smiled at him as soon as Steve got out of the Quinjet.

Bucky wasn’t allowed by neither the government nor his therapist to go on missions yet, but he was always there when the team came back home to welcome them and make sure everyone was alright – everyone was surprised to see that Bucky always got all on protective alpha mode with everyone of the team, but no one was complaining about coming back home to a warm homemade food and don’t having to move a single finger to do first aids.

“Hey, Buck”, Steve gave him a tired smile.

“Is everyone alright?”, Bucky’s eyes travelled through the team, searching any serious bruise.

“Pretty much, Buckaroo”, Tony answered while stretching his muscles, “Natasha and Sam got some bruises, but Clint already took care of it.”

Bucky got clearly less tense, relieved that no one was too much hurt.

“I made the dinner. It’s on the common kitchen. You just have to warm it up on the microwave, but you all should go get clean before.”

“Should I be worried that Bucky takes care of me more than my father ever did?”, Clint joked, sounding like he was about to fall asleep right where he was.

Natasha stopped by his side, putting a hand on his shoulder and guiding him inside the building.

“Considering that you ran away from your father? Yes, you should, but you’re too sleepy to talk about it. Let’s go take a bath before you fall asleep without eating anything”, she answered with a calm voice.

Each of the Avengers left, going to their respective floors, leaving Steve and Bucky alone. The omega got surprised when the Alpha pulled him into a tight hug.

“I got so scared when Sam told me that a Hydra agent almost shot you in the head”, Bucky moved away just enough to hold Steve’s face under his hands, “Don’t pull this shit anymore, do you hear me, you punk?”

Steve rolled his eyes with how much dramatic the alpha was being.

“Yes, Buck”, Steve said sarcastically, “The next time I will say ‘Wait, Bucky said you can’t shoot me’ to the villain. I’m sure he will apologize and give up hurting people.”

Bucky sighed exasperated, giving a weak and inoffensive push on Steve’s shoulder. They both started walking towards the elevator.

“Everyone’s afraid of me, so I think he would do exactly that”, Bucky shrugged, pressing the button of their floor.

“You’re just a big puppy, Bucky. Everyone knows it”, Steve teased him, leaning against the elevator’s wall when the fatigue finally reached him after the adrenalin on his veins started decreasing.

Bucky noticed Steve’s change and reached to him, putting one of Steve’s arms over his shoulder and wrapping an arm around his waist.

“Easy there”, Bucky said calmly, using his free hand to take Steve’s sweaty hair off his face “Let’s take you to your bathroom and put you on that big bathtub so you can get clean and relax. After that you can eat something and sleep.”

Steve was so tired that he didn’t think about Bucky seeing that there was no mirror on his bathroom and just nodded.

When they came out the elevator, Bucky guided Steve straight to the bathroom, ignoring the dirty the bond’s boots were leaving on the ground.

“Can you take off your cloths alone?”, Bucky asked, receiving a tired nod as an answer, “That’s good. Take off your cloths. I will fill the bathtub.”

Bucky turned around, don’t noticing Steve’s widened eyes. He… no, he couldn’t take off his cloths in front of Bucky, Bucky couldn’t see his body, he himself couldn’t see it. He had to turn off the lights, he…

“Are you okay?”, Steve was dragged out his self-deprecating thoughts by Bucky’s worried voice.

The bathtub was already being filled by the continuous flow of water coming out the tap and Steve was so deep into his thoughts he didn’t notice Bucky holding his shoulder.

“I… yes. I was just thinking”, Steve answered.

Bucky gave him a suspicious look, but didn’t make any comment about it. 

“I will bring your dinner”, Bucky said going toward the door, “Take you time. No need to hurry up, ok?”

Steve just nodded again, making sure that Bucky was already gone before closing the door and turning off the lights. In the dark he finally managed to take off his cloths without having a panic attack. He was able to control himself while wearing the tactical clothing, he even felt better wearing it. The tightness of the kevlar around him made him feel safe and smaller just like larger cloths, but see his body, see all the muscles was just…

Damn, he hadn’t put the cloth he was going to wear upon his bed. It would make so easy to just tell Jarvis to totally darken the windows and turn off the lights so he could go straight to the bad and put them without having to see his body. Now he would have to go to the closet to get a cloth, he would have to do it just with his towel around him, he would have to see all those muscles and Bucky could get in the bedroom at any moment, and…

He took a deep breath, trying to don’t think about it and concentrate into something else. His body got into automatic mode and he started showering while his mind rambled making a mental list of all the new books he had read and the new movies he watched, always making effort to don’t concentrate on how his muscles felt under his hands.

Sometimes he wished he was still on his pre-serum body, even with all the diseases and how he asthma attacked during his heats and… oh, God, his heats. He forgot to take his suppressor the last night. What would happen if he got a heat? No, he couldn’t. He couldn’t stand feeling his smell, he couldn’t stand going through a heat without Bucky, he…

 _“No, no, no. Don’t think about it”,_ he tried to tell himself.

 _“Why? You know that you deserve it”,_ that mean voice inside his mind controverted gloatingly.

Steve wanted to stay inside the warm water a little more, but he couldn’t stay alone with his thoughts for any minute more. He got out the bath tub and quickly dried himself with the towel, opening the tub’s drain before going out the bathroom.

He kept his eyes on the ceiling, don’t wanting to look down and see his own body. When he got into his closet, he grabbed the first comfortable cloth he saw – sweatpants and a shirt that was at least three sizes bigger than him - and quickly dressed it. He liked how they made his body look lost inside the fabric, how they made him look smaller.

Steve closed his eyes and took a deep breath, trying to look as normal as he could to face Bucky again. When he felt like it wasn’t written on his face that he was internally freaking out on the bathroom and on the verge of a anxiety attack, he leaded himself to his floor’s kitchen.

Bucky has already came back from the common kitchen and a plate with his dinner already warmed up was sat upon the table. The alpha was leaning against the kitchen’s counter, staring at the oven with a pensive look. Steve frowned.

“Are you okay, Bucky?”, Steve asked worried and it brought the other back to the present moment.

“Of couse. I was just thinking, that’s all”, Bucky smiled, “Here, go eat. I will get things ready for you sleep.”

Steve was so tired that all he could do was agree with it. He wanted to finish his dinner and go sleep, and… having Bucky taking care of him was so good. That thought brought tears to Steve’s eyes. Bucky was almost acting as if he was his alpha again.

“Go back to your room when you finish eating, ok?”, Bucky kissed the omega’s forehead, “You can brush you teeth and go sleep after that. I will make sure no one wake you up for at least 12 hours.”

That situation let strange feelings running inside Steve: the happiness of Bucky taking care of him like he was his alpha, and the sadness of knowing that It was just Bucky’s way to treat his friends. Bucky didn’t want him anymore, he was just being a good friend.

When Bucky got out the kitchen, surely going to Steve’s bedroom, the omega had to wait a minute so he could calm down before start eating. As always, he let his mind roam, don’t wanting to pay attention on his own thoughts. It was a pity, since Bucky’s food was one of the bests Steve has ever eaten and he really wanted to enjoy the taste.

The next thing he noticed was that his plate was empty and he wasn’t feeling hungry anymore, so he took a deep breath and get up, walking towards his bedroom.

He stopped at the door, looking at how Bucky was crouched on the ground on the other side of the bed, where Steve wasn’t able to see what he was doing. He ignored the alpha and went to the bathroom, brushing his teeth before going back to his bedroom.

From the bathroom’s door, he could finally see what Bucky was doing.

“I… Bucky, what… what are you doing?”, Steve stumbled over the words.

At least two dozen blankets and another dozen pillows were being thoroughly organized by the alpha – who was already wearing his sleepwear - into a big and comfortable… nest. Bucky was making a nest to him just like he used to do before when he felt like Steve wasn’t doing as fine as he seemed to be so he could lay there with Steve and hold him until he sleeps.

Steve’s eyes watered, but he held the tears back, reminding himself that Bucky used to do it before they turned into a couple. Damn, he could remember Bucky have done it when he was 10 and Steve was angry after some kids mocked him.

 _“He is just being a good friend”_ , Steve had to remember himself the for what seemed like the millionth time on the last 2 months.

Bucky stopped what he was doing, looking at Steve and smiling before getting back to work.

“I’m doing a nest for us”, he answered, reorganizing one last pillow before looking satisfied at his work, “Your blankets and your pillows don’t have your smell, so I brought some of mine ones. I remember you used to love when I made a nest for us. I know this one isn’t as good as the ones I used to make. I’ve lost practice, but I bet that with some time I will be able to do nests just as perfect as I used to make.”

“It’s perfect, Bucky”, Steve had to oblige himself to talk.

Bucky smiled again, crawling into the sea of blankets and pillows and laying there, giving a content sigh.

“Well, it surely is comfortable”, he held out a hand, calling Steve, “C’mon, let’s sleep.”

The omega knew it would be better telling Bucky to go back to his room, but… he couldn’t help but wanting to get as much as he could from the alpha, wanting to get this little bit of comfort, wanting to get back that feeling of having Bucky and being his even if just for a moment, so he lied down by Bucky’s side, feeling when the other wrapped his arm around his waist and pulled him closer, sticking his body on his back and covering them with one of the blankets.

“You did great on today’s mission”, Bucky kissed Steve’s head, “I’m so proud of you, darling. You’re the best omega I’ve ever seen.”

At those words, Steve couldn’t hold back neither the sob nor the tears streaming down his face. Bucky… Bucky said he was a good omega. Not a broken one, not a disgusting one, not a poor excuse of an omega, but… the alpha broke up with him because he wasn’t good, because he was broken, so why would he be saying that?

“Please, don’t do this”, Steve asked him, his voice numbed by the cry.

Bucky easily turned him around and Steve closed his eyes, don’t wanting to see the amused look on his face. Bucky must have noticed and was probably mocking him. He never expected Bucky, from all the people, to do that with him. He was so happy having him back, he was so happy with the compliments Bucky have been giving him, with the nest he built. Why everything always went wrong to him? Why…

“I’m not lying, Stevie”, Bucky said, “Can you look at me, please? I won’t force you to, but it would be better if you looked at me while I talk.”

Steve slowly opened his eyes, gazing at Bucky with a scared and hurt look. He hated it, he hated feeling so helpless, weak, hurt and pathetic. He was Captain America, he was supposed to be stronger than that.

“There are those beautiful eyes”, Bucky smiled to him, “Listen what I will say, ok? I’m not playing with your feelings, and I’m so sorry and ashamed that I’ve done something that made you feel like I would ever do that. I love you, Steve. I’ve always did and I always will. I don’t know what happened that day when I practically broke up with you and I really don’t care about it at this point. What matters is that it wasn’t your fault, ok? It wasn’t because I found you ugly, not because I found you disgusting, broken, undesirable or a bad omega. You were perfect before the serum and was still perfect after that. You still being the best omega I’ve ever seen. And about you scent and your appearance? You look like a fucking Greek god now and, for what I remember, your smell got even better after the serum.”

Steve heard it all in astonishment, the tears yet streaming down his face. Bucky… Bucky thought he was beautiful? Bucky didn’t find him disgusting?

He grabbed Bucky’s shirt, hiding his face on his chest while the sobs made his body shake. The alpha hugged him even more tightly.

“Every word I say is true, baby”, Bucky kissed the top of his head, “It wasn’t your fault. You are loyal, beautiful, kind, strong, you have a golden heart that I never saw in no one else. You are just perfect. I really hope you can forgive me and give me another chance to earn your trust and your love again.”

“I never stopped loving you, you jerk”, Steve said, don’t being able to identify if his voice came out too much low or too much high.

“So, will you be my boyfriend again?”, Bucky asked, hopeful.

Steve didn’t want to get his face away from Bucky’s shirt - the alpha’s scent was way probably the only thing preventing him from having a complete break down and having a panic attack -, so he muttered a weak “Yes”.

“I didn’t know it would happen. I’m so sorry”, Bucky buried his face on Steve’s hair, “I swear I will never do anything to hurt you again.”

Bucky knew it wouldn’t be an easy walk. It wasn’t a magical thing that suddenly would make Steve stop hating himself again. It would take time until Steve became able to feel his own scent again, until he became able to look at a mirror and love what he saw, but Bucky was going to be with him all the way just like Steve has been with him since he came back.


End file.
